Not What You Expected
by Richi03
Summary: I fell in love with him debating over whether coffee with cream or coffee black was better over green shag carpeting over the smell of cheap cologne, cigarettes and male sweat...Complete.
1. Secrets

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Degrassi: The Next Generation, if I did Sean never would have left or dated Ellie and Darcy would fall off a cliff (sorry I can't stand both Ellie and Darcy...they annoy the hell out of me), there definetly would have been a major Sean, Emma, Jay love triangle thing happening and Manny wouldn't have gotten an abortion. But...sadly...I don't own it. This disclaimer is for the whole story because I am too damn lazy to re-write one for each chapter.

**Author's Note: **I have changed some things in this story. I was reading over everything and decided that it seemed like there were a few holes and loose-ends that needed tying...besides...I was kind of feeling like it needed to be ended where I was at and I definetly am not ready to end it. So...I'm changing things around so that the ending does not come for a loooooong time yet :) Hope you like the changes. Please review review review and let me know what you think:) Oh and Merry Christmas everyone!

There will be more changed than just this chapter, but I'm using my boyfriend's computer and he needs to get on soon, I might have time to do the next chapter...but I'm not sure. So if not I will most likely have all the revisions up after Christmas.

* * *

**Jay**

I have had some pretty lame homework assignments, but I must say that this is, by far, the lamest.

Why am I doing it, then, you ask? Well, thats simple. It's this or my sorry ass gets shipped off to military school. I think I prefer suffering through a few stupid classes and some homework, rather than five AM wake up calls, push-ups and no girls, thank you very much. I can already hear the wheels turning in your head, I know exactly what you're thinking, how can JAY HOGART afford military school?

Ha!

I'm filthy, stinking rich, or my parents are anways. Bet you didn't see that one coming. What did you all think I pulled the civic out of my ass? Pretty little car like that doesn't just appear one day out of thin air. Lucky for me, people around this town ain't that smart. Only person who knows I'm not some trailer trash punk is Alex. And the only reason for that is because I'd let her come crash at my place when Chad got a little too grab happy with her or decided it would be fun to use her for a punching bag instead of her mom. Amy, her (then) best friend, wasn't exactly someone she could run to in those situations seeing as her dad was pretty much exactly like Chad. Her only choice left to turn to was lucky old me.

Anyways, though, I don't tell anyone about the money bags thing because I'd rather not have them all say shit like, "Oh, that's that Jay Hogart boy. The poor thing goes around acting like a badass as a sorry attempt to get his parents' attention. Poor little rich kid." Which would soon be followed by a slow shake of the head in pity.

Fuck that. I'll tell you where you can put your pity.

Well, it's not far from the truth, but I really don't do well with sympath as you may already know.

If anyone knew that up until I was about twelve I was a parent's wet dream, they'd probably laugh their ass off. Prolly wouldn't believe me anyways.

Jay Hogart actually got straight A's?

Jay Hogart never got into any trouble?

Jay Hogart was a polo-shirt, pressed pants, brown penny-loafers wearing nerd?

Yeah, they'd laugh their pants right off.

So, why the drastic change from goody two shoes to rebel? Like you haven't guessed it already.

I was always a good kid, kept my nose clean, so to speak. I did everything I was supposed to, always did the right thing and what did I get for it? Nothing. None of it ever mattered to them. I never mattered to them. I was lucky if I got a few words out of either one of my parents on a daily basis. Usually, even then, it would be, "dinner's read Jason" or "time for bed Jason", when they were home anyways. I think I spent more time with a baby-sitter until I was ten than I did with my own parents. When I hit ten I was on my own. I learned how to call out for pizza deliveries real quick. Everyone always wonders why I rarely eat pizza, can't really stand the stuff anymore, too much of it as a kid.

I don't give a fuck that their doctors and off helping everyone. I'm their kid, dammit, I should come first. They go off and help anyone who needs it...but when it comes to their own son they couldn't be bothered.

I wanted more.

It started off with little things, you know? A missed homework assignment here, late curfew there. I ditched the nerd clothes and started wearing baggy jeans and backwards hats. I ditched the chess loving nerds and started proving myself to the bullies, the "cool" kids. I figured they had to notice, right? Yeah sure. They still didn't care, didn't even care enough to punish me. So, I started getting into fights at school...then they were forced to notice. Trust me...my dad was more than pissed when he had to come out to the perfect little private school and explain, repeatedly, to the headmaster why I shouldn't be suspended yet again.

Making a long story a short, the private school get fed up and kicked me out.

Looking back now I realize that I should have seen it then, that it didn't matter how bad I was they still wouldn't care. I should have known that it would never matter to them when they didn't ground me for the rest of my natural born days after I got expelled. Guess I've always been a bit of a persistent little shit. Or maybe by then I wasn't pretending anymore. I wasn't the good little boy who always did the right thing anymore. I was the asshole, the kid your parents warn you to stay away from and it fit. It still fits.

Anyhow, me getting kicked out is what landed me at Degrassi. It's how I met Alex, Towerz, the Montreal Crew, and Sean. It's how I started over, completely. Everyone viewed me as some welfare case, like Sean. I was just some kid that no one cared enough about...that's the only thing they got right when they label me.

So there you have it: Jay Hogart in a nutshell. My second biggest secret. Bet you'd just love to know my biggest secret. Well, bummer times for you because that's something I'm never telling, not even to a worthless peice of paper.

* * *

_**Emma**_

_Everyone has secrets. Some are bigger than others. I doubt anyone thinks I have secrets. A million little peices of myself that no one ever sees, that no one ever looks close enough to see. I'm Cause Girl, Green Peace, Little Miss Saves the Whales. Why should anyone look closer? To do so would shatter the perfect image that they all have of me. So much safer to look at the hazy picture from a difference rather than look up close to reveal all the little imperfect details. Sure, when the Jay thing happened I wasn't Cause Girl anymore. No, I was Ravine Girl then...Gonnorhea Girl or Jay's Slut. It didn't take long, though, before it was back to Green Peace, before my indiscretion was forgotten by most. No one wants to think that "perfect" Emma Nelson isn't so damn perfect._

_We see what we want to see. So they see the straight A's and the supposed virtue, but there's so much more to me than that. But why challenge it? Titles are all we have, without them we are stripped bare for all to see. All of our defenses are gone when the title disappears, we're open to all the pain and hurt that is brought along with revealing who you truly are. Titles define how others see us and how we see ourselves. _

_There has been only one person who has looked past the layers I put up and I was found wanting. I was found to be not good enough, a joke to be laughed at. He took what he knew and threw it back in my face. I'll keep my title, thank you very much. I'd rather they all see me for who I am not and love me, than see me for who I am and hate me. If that makes me a coward than so be it, I'm tired of being brave. _

_So what is it I'm supposed to be writing about? Oh, thats right._

_Oh, the poor dolphins._

_Oh, the poor rain forest._

_Oh, the poor starving children of Africa._

_Happy now?_


	2. Just an Ordinary Day

"Alex! Get your ass over here!" Jay bellowed across the lunch room to his ex-girlfriend. The dark haired girl rolled her eyes, but walked towards him anyways.

"I thought I'd gotten rid of all the trash in my life, Hogart. Guess I missed a piece," she smiled sweetley down at him.

"Fuck you, Lex," Jay grinned good naturedly up at her. Alex just laughed and set her tray down, sitting across from Jay.

"So, I guess we're officially losers now, hey?" Alex motioned at the empty lunch table the two occupied, in an otherwise crowded room.

"Nah, we're just way to cool for everyone else," Jay managed to spit out, along with a few bits of his sandwich.

"I really doubt that's the reason," a voice from above interrupted the two. Jay looked up to be met with a pair of familiar chocolate eyes and a sneer made it's way onto his features.

"You know, Cameron, I really think you should learn to keep your woman in check. She might get herself in trouble one of these days," Jay said turning to look at his best friend who currently had his arm draped around Emma's shoulders as the two sat down by Jay and Alex.

"Stop being such a pig, Jay," Alex cut in.

"Thank you Alex," Emma nodded at the other girl.

"Yeah well, there are way too many guys like him and way too few girls that know how to handle them. Us chicks that do know how need to stick together. Unless, of course, the comment you said earlier applied to me as well, in which case we might have a repeat of our hallway brawl from a few years back," Alex joked.

"Oh no, that was just for Jay. Besides, if you don't remember, I kicked your ass that day."

Alex's head whipped up and she opened her mouth to say something, before being cut off by Sean throwing a hand up in between the two girls.

"I did see the whole thing, Lex. Emma whipped you good," Sean stated, somewhat apologetically. Alex just scowled and stuffed a french fry in her mouth.

"Was there mud involved that time?" Jay asked, his eyes lighting up, shooting glances between the blonde and the brunette.

"You dumbass," Emma said, shooting him a disdainful look.

"Lighten up, Green Peace. It was a joke. You know, ha ha."

"You know wha-"

"Could we get through one fricking lunch period with out the two of you snipping at each other constantly?" Sean asked, exasperated.

"She started it," Jay muttered, staring down at his food.

"Oh, real mature, butthead," Emma snapped at him.

"You just called me a butthead and_ I'm _the immature one? That's rich," Jay's words flew across the table.

"Screw this," Emma bit out, standing up from the table.

"Just because you're friends with that idiot, doesn't mean I have to deal with him. I'll see you in class, sweetie," Emma said, leaning down and kissing Sean on the cheek. As she walked away from the group, Emma glared daggers at Jay's head.

"Thanks, man. You can be such a dick sometimes," Sean muttered angrily at Jay.

"Whatever," Jay replied, getting up and stalking angrily out of the cafeteria.

"Guess it's just you and me then Bam Bam," Alex laughed, flinging a spoonful of peas at Sean's head.

* * *

Jay walked down the deserted hallway, assured in his knowledge that the rest of the school was either at lunch or in class and headed straight for the janitor's closet. He looked around cautiously, just to make sure there was no one in sight, before slipping through the door.

"Geez, what took you so long?" An annoyed whisper broke through the dark and silence.

"Excuse me for having to take a piss," Jay bit out, sarcastically.

"Jason, please. Don't be crude."

"I hate it when you talk like that. You sound just like my mother," Jay shuttered.

"Does your mother do this?" The girl asked, sweetly, sliding her small hand down the front of his jeans, as she moved closer to him so her breath tickled his neck.

"No, she definetly does no-ot," Jay gasped, as the tip of her fingers trailed ever so lightly down his manhood, slowly torturing him. Jay moaned loudly as her soft hand enclosed around his member, beginning the rythmic strokes and the girl began to softly nibble on his ear.

"Shh! Jay, someone might hea-"

The hushed whisper was cut off by his lips on hers. His hands, frantically, found their way up her shirt. She pulled her hand out of his jeans, just as Jay pulled her closer to him. Bodies rubbed together in passion, as clothes fell away carelessly next to old cleaning supplies and dirty mops. The two were mindful only of each other, only of these few stolen moments they had together.

* * *

**Jay**

I had sex in a janitor's closet, in my school, today. I've gotta say that's the riskiest sexual escapade I've ever had. Mrs. Kwan? Yeah...you said you weren't going to read these just flip through it real quick to make sure we actually wrote in here, but I'm not an idiot. If I were you, I would DEFINETLY, read through my students journals. It would just be way to juicy to pass up. I just wanted to remind you, after reading what I just wrote, that you told us anything we write in here will not be held against us and we will not get into any trouble for any actions we may record in our notebooks. Just thought I'd throw that in there so you don't get any ideas about going to Hatzilakos with that little peice of information.

Did I mention it was probably the best sex I've ever had? No? Okay, well it was the best sex I've ever had. I've never been with a girl who was so...free. You would never guess it with her, so I guess the saying that the goody-goodies are always the one's you gotta watch out for is true. Chica is kinky! Alright, I'm sorry. I'm done talking about my sex life. On to different shit.

My parents have reached a new low. I got home from school today to find an envelope with my name on it in the middle of the kitchen counter. I open it up and $500 bucks fall out along with a small slip of paper with only this written on it:

_Your father and I will be out of town for the next two weeks. You know our cell numbers should you need to reach us. -Mom_

I got over the fact that they don't give a shit a while ago, really...I did. But...come on! They could have at least called me to let me know or dare I ask even for them to tell me a few days in advance? She didn't even tell me where they were going.

Whatever.

I don't fucking need them anyways.

I don't need anyone. _  
_


	3. He Returns

_"You already got the tour," Jay Hogart sneered, looking at the petite blonde with mild annoyance._

_"I know," she took a deep breath, "Show me again. Show me again for real," she breathed, her large eyes filled with something he had never seen before. He stood, wordlessly, from the bench he had been seated on and let her lead the way._

The memories of that night flashed through Emma's mind as she, once again, entered the old van with Jay trailing behind her. Had it really been more than a year since all of this had begun? It seemed as if it was only yesterday, and yet, at the same time it seemed as if it had been years and years. She sat down in the van taking in the familiar scent of burning candles, stale ciggarette smoke and sex. She turned to the boy next to her, placing her small hands on either side of his face, she pulled him closer to her. Her lips sought his; hungrily, desperately. His hands, rough and calloused from work, made their way up her shirt, sliding the thin cotton material over her head. As he ran his hands over her naked torso she thought about how much she loved those hands of his. They were hands that knew every inch of her body, every crevice; hands that knew where she liked to be touched; hands that soothed; hands that carressed.

"Jay," Emma moaned, as he nibbled her earlobe, causing a prickly sensation to dance along her spine. He, gently, lowered her to the shag carpeting of the old van, hands exploring, bodies pulsing and took all that she gave him.

* * *

**_-Flashback-_**

_Emma Nelson sat in the backseat of Craig Manning's brand new, powder blue, Mustang convertable. The rising singer/guitarist/songwriter was currently home visiting his girlfriend, Emma's best friend, Manny Santos._

_"Um guys, do you think it would be alright if you detached yourselves from each other. I'm a little bored of watching the porno unfolding before my eyes," Emma asked, annoyed._

_Manny pulled away from Craig for a split second to shoot Emma with her famous "Santos Glare" before reattatching her face to Craig's. Emma sighed and seriously considered finding something hard to slam her head against, a brick wall or something of that sort would do very nicely. Suddenly she was pulled from her thoughts of head smashing by a very familiar voice._

_"Emma? Holy shit! Emma!" The blonde turned her head towards the voice to be met with the sight of her ex-boyfriend walking towards her. Her chocolate eyes widened with surprise as she jumped out of the car, yelling gleefully, "SEAN!" She ran towards Sean and immediately wrapped him in a tight hug._

_"Hey, angel, how ya been?" Sean asked her with a grin on his face after the two stepped apart._

_"Oh, you know, I've been good. What are you doing here?" She asked, smiling wide._

_"The prodigal ass decided to grace us with his presence for senior year," Sean's best friend Jay Hogart drawled. Emma's happy face quickly grew weary at the sight of Jay. She noted the way he carefully watched her with Sean. Almost as soon as her happy expression faded it was put back into place and she rolled her eyes at him._

_"Don't you have a car to go out and steal or something, Hogart?" She jibed at him._

_"Wow, Green Peace, you think of that all by yourself?" Jay smirked at her._

_"I see some things never change," Sean laughed at the two._

_"And I see some things do," Emma stated, looking Sean up and down._

_"Good to have you back, Cameron," and with that she turned and sauntered off back to Craig's car._

_'Chew on that, Hogart,' she thought to herself._

_ **-Later that night-**_

_"Figured you'd be with your precious Sean tonight. You know, since he's returned from the dead and all," Jay said, looking sceptically at the girl before him._

_"Oh, Jay, you know you're the only guy for me," she said, half joking, half serious._

_"I'm sure, Cause Girl."_

_"C'mon Jay, you know you want me," her voice was silky against the cool night air, her blonde hair shone in the moonlight causing her to look even more beautiful than usual._

_"Oh no, you caught me. I've been pining for you all night. I've turned down every girl who's propositioned me in hopes that you'd decide to show up," Jay fluttered his eye lashes at Emma, sarcastically._

_"I know you'd admit it sooner or later," Emma replied, grinning, but her grin was soon wiped clean with his next statement._

_"Already been to the van tonight, Green Peace. Not really looking for another round," his voice was cold._

_"Jay?" Emma questioned, forgetting for a moment to keep her mask in place, raw emotion showing through._

_"Bummer times," was all he said before standing up and leaving the girl standing there, tears quickly filling her soft brown eyes._

_**-The next morning-**_

_Emma Nelson sat on the couch in her old flannel pajamas watching Looney Tunes. Her eyes were red and puffy from all the crying she had done the night before. Jay had never turned her away before and now that Sean was back he had. She never thought she'd be wishing that Sean would just stay in Wasaga, but at the moment she was. She sighed when the sound of the doorbell rang through her home and stood from the couch to go answer it. She quickly redid her pony tail and answered the door._

_"Sean?" Emma questioned, upon swinging the door open._

_"Hey Em. Can I come in?" He asked, running a hand through his longish, brown curls._

_Emma ushered him in side and the two teens settled on the couch._

_"So what brings you here so early?" Emma asked, raising her eyebrows at him._

_"It's noon, Em...not so early," Sean laughed._

_"Matter of a opinion," she shot back, a grin finding it's way onto her features._

_"I wanted to see if you would want to go get some lunch at the Dot with me?" He asked her hopefully._

_"Actually, now that you mention it, I am hungry. Wait here while I run down stairs and change," Emma replied before running down to her room._

_Sean leaned back against the couch and wondered what had happened to make her cry. _


	4. Too little, too late

**_-Flashback-_**

_"Just leave me alone, Ellie!" Sean yelled angrily at his red-headed girlfriend. Ellie wiped a tear from her cheek and wrapped her arms around herself._

_"Please, Sean. Just talk to me," she whispered softly, begging him to open up. _

_Sean shot the girl one last staggering glare before slamming the door behind him on his way out. He walked furiously across town and before he even realized where his feet were taking him he was standing in front of Emma Nelson's bedrooom window. Sean crouched down and peered inside to see his ex-girlfriend sitting at the edge of her bed, still wearing the yellow-paint stained outfit. Her small shoulders were shaking and he could see that she was crying. Taking a deep breath, Sean gently tapped on her window, but she took no notice of it, so he silently shoved the window open and hopped inside._

_"I was hoping you'd come," Emma whispered, without even looking up._

_"Why?" Sean asked, curiously. Sure, he'd saved her life, but they weren't exactly best friends, not by far._

_"You're the only one I want to be with when things suck," the girl said, softly, finally looking up into the eyes of the boy before her._

_"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," Sean stated quietly, brushing the tears on her face away with his thumb. _

_"He pointed it right at me, Sean," Emma broke out in fresh sobs, letting her small body fall forward into the arms of her ex-boyfriend...her hero. Sean wrapped his arms around her frail frame and gently stroked her back as his tears fell on her soft, golden hair. Shock was written all over his face as he suddenly felt her small hands pulling him down on top of her. His face was only a few centimeters from hers and for a split second the two simply stared into each other eyes before Sean lowered his head the rest of the way and softly pressed his lips to hers. _

_Emma frantically pulled his shirt off and then began undoing his belt. _

_"Emma, I-"_

_Whatever he had been about to say was cut off by her lips on his and when she pulled away she stared at him, her chocolate eyes into his green, and slowly removed her shirt. As all their clothes soon fell to the floor all thoughts of Ellie and tomorrow were forgotten. _

* * *

**_-Flashback-_**

_"I didn't come back for some bike shop and I definetly didn't come back for Ellie. I think you know why I came back," Sean wearily told the girl before him._

_"No I don't," she stated, stubbornly, refusing to believe what she already knew._

_"I came back for you, Em," The words were spoken barely above a whisper. Emma's eyes grew wide and she stared at Sean wearily as he stepped closer to her, their faces only an inch apart. She knew he was going to kiss her and she knew she should stop him, but her body seemed rooted to the spot. She couldn't move her arms or her legs and no words would spill from her lips. Sean stared in her eyes for a mere moment and then crushed his lips to hers._

_This kiss was so different than her kisses with Jay. This kiss brought back the familiar. It reminded her of sticky fingers from ice cream cones, late summer afternoons, double cheese pizza and innocence. This kiss was from a time before Jay, before Sean left, before Emma lost a part of herself. Emma forced herself back to reality and slowly pulled away from Sean. He looked at her with curious green eyes and a sad smile formed on her lips._

_"I'm sorry, Sean. I just...I can't do it again," with those words she ran as fast as she could to the only person she wanted to be with._

* * *

_  
"Have you seen Jay?" Emma questioned a dark haired boy with breath that reeked horribly of beer. The guy just pointed off towards a little clearing where Emma could barely see the outline of an orange car._

_"Thanks," Emma muttered as she made her way towards Jay's car. She slid in the passenger seat and cast a careful glance at the dark-haired boy next to her._

_"What do you want, Emma," Jay asked wearily._

_"What's wrong?" She asked softly._

_Jay ignored her question and repeated again, "What do you want?" Emma sighed and ran a hand through her blonde hair. She scooted closer in her seat to Jay before grabbing him by the shoulders and kissing him hard. When she pulled away, both gasping for breath he stared at her curiously._

_"You, Jay. I want you," her words were lost as Jay crushed his mouth to hers. In Jay's car they made love and afterwards Emma fell asleep in his strong arms. Jay simply sat there for over an hour staring down at the blonde angel he held before waking her up and sending her home.  
"Don't you understand what I'm telling you Jay? I don't want to be with Sean!" The blonde angrily shouted._

_"Stop playing these stupid games, Emma. I'm fucking sick of it!" Jay shouted back at her, his face red with fury._

_"Do you WANT me to go back to him? Is that what you want, Jay? Because let me tell you, you're making it easier and easier for me to forget you ever existed!" The words escaped he lips before she could stop them. She watched as Jay's eyes narrowed into slits._

_"Then go, Emma. No one here's stopping you. Especially not me," he spoke quietly, but his words were cold as ice._

_"Fine," and with that one word Emma ran straight from Jay, across town and into the arms of Sean, who stared, confused, down at the blonde head._

_"Um, Emma? What are you doing here?" Sean asked, shooting a helpless look at his boss who was currently sending him a death glare._

_Emma simply lifted her head from his chest and pressed her lips to his. When she pulled away from him her brown eyes stared up at his green in a silent question. The words that Sean spoke next, slowly broke Emma's heart because she knew she could never return them._

_"I love you, Emma"_

* * *

**Sean**

When I decided to come back to Degrassi I had this plan all worked out in my head. I knew it was going to work. It HAD to work. Of course it didnt...instead it all just blew up in my face.It took me six months away from Degrassi to realize what I really wanted...what would really make me happy. It took me two months after I returned to realize although she would make me happy...I would never make her happy.  
Emma Nelson.  
It still hurts to look in her eyes and know that I'm not the one she wants.  
All I want to do is take her in my arms, run my hands through her soft golden hair and kiss her soundly on the mouth and have her melt at my touch. I can do the first three things any time I want, the last...the last hasn't happened since that night before I left for Wasaga.  
I should have known she'd moved on.  
I should have known what an idiot I was to think that she'd be here waiting for me after everything I put her through. It's just...I really love her...you know?  
No one really knows the real reason I moved back to Wasaga...sure it had a little bit to do with the shooting, but not completly.  
The night of the shooting I couldn't take Ellie's constant screechy voice in my ear telling me to "just let out my feelings", "just talke to me Sean", "I know you're going through a hard time right now, why won't you just let me IN?". Ugh...that night I knew I couldn't go on pretending I wanted to be with her. After the millionth "will you just talk to me Sean?" I took off. I didn't realize where I was walking to until I was standing in front of her bedroom window. I didn't realize what I would do when she let me in.  
All I knew was the moment I saw that gun pointed at her the realization that I still loved her punched me in the stomach.  
How could I have ever let her go?  
How could I have known that going over there...seeing her so frail, tears running down her face, still wearing the paint stained outfit...that it would wrench my heart?  
I don't need to go into details, but that night with Emma was the best of my life.  
We'd once promised that we'd be each other firsts...I guess I'll always have the knowledge that that promise came true...I'll always have the memory of my one night with Emma.  
Going home after...seeing Ellie asleep on the couch, I don't know I just got scared I guess. When my parents offered me an escape, to stay with them, I jumped at it. I just couldn't deal with the fact that I'd have to break Ellie's heart, even though I knew that I'd be breaking Emma's by staying.  
But Emma understood.  
She still understood when I came back.  
She just didn't love me anymore...not the way I love her anyways. She pretends to love me; she says the words, but I know there's no true feeling behind it. She holds my hand in the hallway, spends time with me after school and on weekends, she smiles at me softly...but her smiles are always forced. Her real smiles are reserved only for him, not that he cares.  
I see the way she looks at him and I know I've been replaced.  
Hell, she never looked at me like that.  
All I want is for her to be happy and by the way that idiot jerk she's fallen in love with is acting, I know that probably won't be happening any time soon.  
I just hope he won't end up like me.  
Realizing what he had all along...too damn late and left to hold on to the broken peices as if his life depended on it.


	5. Cheap Cologne & Stale Smoke

**Jay**

When Sean came back I knew it was over for me. I remember her telling me that she would never go back to him; that she didn't love him that way anymore. It was all lies. She lies so much that sometimes I wonder if she even knows what words she says are truth and which ones are not.

She told me she loved me once.

It came out of nowhere and completely shocked me. It was one of those times that you would least expect someone to say something like that. I think I laughed at her or something stupid like that. I had to...to protect her. She was confusing what we have with love. It's not love.

I hate her.

The first time I saw her I knew she was trouble. I knew she was one of those girls that you don't get involved with. Her eyes could bewitch you and make you think things that you wouldn't otherwise think. Yesterday she told me she _believes_ in me. She thinks I could actually go to university. Yeah. Sure. Even if I suddenly started actually trying to do well on my homework there's no way anyone would let me in. Not only that, but I don't WANT to go to university. No more school for this guy after I graduate high school.

Anyhow, I knew when I first saw her that I should stay away from her. It didn't stop me though. Big bad Jay just had to have little miss goody two shoes. Had to PROVE something, I don't know. Now, I'm too wrapped up in her to think straight. I haven't been with another girl in two years, all because of her. Does she know that though? Hell no.

I hate her.

I hate her because as much as I try to hate her I can't.

I hate her because as much as I tell everyone I hate her I'm a huge liar.

I hate her because I'm not good enough for her.

I hate her because I've loved her from the first moment I saw her.

I love her.

* * *

**Emma**

Okay I promised myself I wouldn't write about this in here, but I just have to get it out. I just need to get this out.

I haven't told anyone this, not even Manny. It's one of those things that would just be mouth dropping. I'm scared she'd look at me differently. Who am I kidding, of course she'd look at me differently. If only he would show he cared, then I wouldn't give a damn who knew. Okay well back to the beginning. That's how the story always starts...at the beginning

The shooting had just happened and Sean had left. I felt like I had no one around to understand me, you know? I wasn't exactly on the best speaking terms with Manny and who else did I really have to talk about this?

Let's face it, I don't exactly have that many close friends or even just regular friends.

Jay was the next best thing.

God, that sounds horrible. It sounds like I was using him and I wasn't...well not really. I'd always had some strange infatuation with Jay...weird, right? My ex-boyfriend's best friend, a guy that loved tormenting me as a past time, the bad boy that can break hearts with a mere glance...the guy I ran to when things got too hard. Everyone thought that after the whole Emma got gonnorhea from Jay thing happened that I stayed away from him. I didn't.

We kept messing around...but...it wasn't just about that. We talked.

We'd spend hours in the van just talking. I showed him more of the "real Emma" than I'd ever shown anyone. He didn't have me on some golden pedastel like everyone else, he just liked me for me...flaws and all. I fell in love with him debating over whether coffee with cream or coffee black was better; over green shag carpeting; over the smell of cheap cologne, ciggarettes and male sweat that always seemed to radiate from him; over darker than dark eyes and unruly light brown hair; over sly smiles and smirks...I fell in love.

It hit me like a punch in the stomach and I have never been quite the same since. At first I went into total denial mode, then anger at me and at him for letting this happen, then quiet acceptance.

I didn't tell him.

To tell him would give him more power over me than I was willing to give him.

For almost a year we continued like this. I know I wasn't the only girl he was with during that time. I chose to ignore that fact. I chose to pretend I didn't know.

Bless him for not throwing it in my face. At least that's one thing I can't fault him for.

Then one night, we're laying there in the van talking about The Clash vs. The Ramones and I blurt it out.

"I love you"

At first he said nothing, just stared at me. Then he silently traced a single finger around the outline of my face and kissed me softly on the forehead.

The words he said next I will never forget.

"You don't love me, green peace. I'm just your replacement for Sean, until he gets back."

I couldn't say anything. I just stared at him, unable to comprehend how he could actually believe that. Tears started to pour down my face as I began screaming at him about how he probably told himself to make himself feel less guilty about the way he treated me. I went on saying how it was him who had told ME that this "thing" with us was to be kept a secret. I remember ranting about how it was his fault I had fallen in love with him. I think I started screaming, incoherantly, about his smell and "devil" eyes.

Basically, I had a major melt down.

I was standing there, in an old van, crying and screaming...pouring my heart out to him.

All he could do was sit there and stare at me. He didn't even try to say anything.

Finally, I ran.

Since then it's been back to bitting comments and looks of hatred between us.

Except late at night, every now and then...he'll sneak in through the basement window and crawl onto the mattress beside me. I always let him. Some nights, I go to him. I never mean to. I never mean to feel myself walking in the direction of the ravine. Never mean to lead him into the old van where it all began. Never mean to cheat on Sean with his best friend. The guilt eats me up inside, but I just can't stop.  
For the first time I can understand why Manny couldn't say no to Craig...why she always let him come back...the thought of turning him away is unfathomable because her love for him is so great, she would risk everything she is just to be with him one more time. The exact way that I would for Jay.


	6. Knowing Eyes & Pitying Stares

**Spinner**

I used to have a lot of friends. Jimmy, Craig, Marco, Jay. I lost all that. Jay by my own choice and the others because of a horrible mistake that I made.

Jay.

Now there's an interesting one.

He thinks I don't know, he thinks no one knows.

I do.

When Jay showed up at the Friendship Club camp out with Emma Nelson in tow, I knew it was more than what he said.

"I was giving her a ride home when you called me," were his exact words.

A ride home from where? And the blush that arose on Emma's cheeks when she saw the quizzical look I gave the two of them was enough for me to know. I didn't say anything though. Why would I? Darcy and Emma went off to get beer from the car and when they got back I saw the look on Emma's face when she looked at Jay.

In that look I could see that she loved him.

And when I saw the way he looked at her...I almost let out a laugh.

Jay Hogart in love with Emma Nelson and he didn't even know it.

That's irony for you.

When we were ready for the next round of beers Emma and I went and got them this time. I jokingly asked her what she and Jay were REALLY doing together and she just let out a nervous laugh and looked away. But I could also tell that she wanted to tell me. It was Jay that was keeping her from saying a word about it, she just nervously fiddled with the bracelets on her wrist. Bracelets I know all too much about. In that instance I felt sorry for her. I felt so sorry for her because I knew that she felt exactly as I did.

She was hopelessly in love with someone who would never admit to loving her back.

I also knew that she didn't really have anyone else. Her and Manny were no longer friends and people at school treated her like she was nothing because of the ravine thing. It must have been so hard for her back then.

She however was able to pick up the peices, I did notice one thing though. When Jay I would be working at the Dot and Emma would come in they would sneak glances at each other and small smiles. A couple months ago that all stopped. He went back to tormenting her and she went back to giving him hateful glares, although...when neither of them thought anyone else was watching...they'd look at each other in this way...this way that you just KNEW that they missed each other.

Paige still looks at me like that when she thinks I'm not looking. If only I could make her somehow see that I still love her. If only I could make her somehow see that I would never hurt her again.  
But Paige...Paige is the most stubborn person I know and she'll never see it unless she wants to. So I cling to the relationship I have with Darcy because really...it's all I have left.

That's another thing Emma and I have in common. Recently I heard her and Cameron got back together. I see them in the hallways at school together and I can see that he loves her. I can also see the look in her eyes when Sean hugs her or kisses her on the cheek. You can see that it's not really him that she wants to be with and you can see the look in Sean's eyes that says he knows it. Sometimes I wonder if Darcy knows. I truly hope she doesn't. I don't want to hurt her and maybe I'm being selfish...just as Emma's being selfish. We're both leading on two people who don't deserve to be led on. We're both playing along with this charade that can only end in those two people getting hurt.

But I suspect Emma feels the same way I do. She just doesn't want to be alone anymore.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

* * *

Emma Nelson was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling on yet another endless night. Thoughts of Sean battled with thoughts of Jay. Guilt for leading Sean on battled with her fear of being alone. She was so lonely, and being with Sean...it gave her a small amount of comfort. To look at him and see how much he loved her in his eyes, it made her feel like maybe she was good enough. Maybe...maybe it wasn't her that was the problem...maybe it was Jay. 

Emma was snapped from her thoughts by the sound of her window being opened. She sat up in bed and found her eyes locked with the eyes of the guy who consumed her thoughts so much of the time.  
Neither spoke as she moved over in her bed to make room for him. He walked towards her and sat down next to her.

"Emma..."

"Shhh," Emma touched a single finger to his lips. What Jay saw in her eyes was quiet understanding. He never had to explain himself to her, he never had to pretend to be something he wasn't. Just as she never had to with him.

As Emma pulled her finger away from his lips, Jay's head moved closer to hers and he softly touched his lips to hers. Emma pulled back in shock, he had never kissed her like this. With Jay it had always been hunger, rough, need...this...this was gentleness and...loving? She stared into his eyes searching for an answer to the question she was too afraid of asking. The only answer Jay gave was another touch of lips, a brush of fingers across her cheek.

And for the moment she let herself forget that tomorrow he would go back to ignoring her. She let herself forget that tomorrow she would be left with an even more bruised heart. She let herself forget that he didn't love her, as she loved him. She just let herself be in the moment, let herself be enveloped in his quiet embrace.

As the two lowered there bodies against the matress, Emma wondered where all this gentleness and tenderness had come from. He was like nothing she had ever experienced and she only hoped this wouldn't be the last time she would get to see this side of him.

As Emma slowly drifted off to sleep in the arms of the one she loved, these words were whispered softly in her ear, "It isn't Sean that's with you now is it? It isn't Sean you're thinking of...only me. Think only of me tonight, green peace. I love you."

In the morning, awakening alone, she convinced herself the words had been only in her dreams.

* * *

**Sean**

She's using me.I know it...she knows it...everyone fricken knows it.

She tells me she cares about me. She tells me how happy she is that we're together again. I can hear the lies and I can almost believe them. As long as I don't look in her eyes, I can believe them. Her eyes give her away. I can handle the lies...really I can..

We were standing at her locker today after school with Manny and I leaned over and kissed Em softly on the cheek. Out of the corner I saw Manny's face. I saw the pity in her eyes.

Pity...for me.

What am I doing?

This isn't me.

I don't let myself get used like this.

I just..don't.

But...it's Em. The same Em who I had my first date with...the same Em that would look at me like I was everything...the same Em who announced the the entire class that she had her period (man, that still makes me laugh), the same Em who's heart I broke, the same Em who I saved from Rick, the same Em who I came back for.  
I just love her so much. A month after I came back, she kissed me. A kiss I let myself drown in and let myself hope in. From that moment on we became a couple. One unit, SeanAndEmma, EmmaAndSean. Again. Only this time I know I'm going to be the one left heart broken, not her. In the past that would make me push her away, but this time.  
This time I just want to be with her as much as I can. I want to prolong the time I have with her as long as I possibly can.

She's my addiction.

I only wish Jay wasn't hers.


	7. What You Do To Me

**Jay**

I can't believe he actually had the nerve to say that to me.

Jackass.

I can't believe I call him my best friend. How the hell does he know, anways? I bet she told him. I bet she laughs about how I keep coming back to her. I bet she just thinks this is HILARIOUS!  
Yeah I'm freaking out right now. I'm more pissed off right now than I have been in a long time.

_  
You just can't give her what she wants, Jay. She decided she needed a REAL man._

I swear, if we hadn't been in school I would have smashed his face into the fucking ground. I'm just walkin' along, minding my own damn business, when I see the two of them going at it in the middle of the fucking hallway. After last night I assumed she'd at least be more discrete about it. I thought, maybe she won't rub it in my face anymore. Oh yeah, that would require her to actually have FEELINGS.

Heartless bitch.

I couldn't help myself. I opened my big mouth about how Cameron was willing to take anything these days, even my leftovers. Okay, so I was a jerk. But I do have to say it was worth the look on his face when I said it. He recovered quick enough, though and came at me with that crap.

Her face though.

I don't understand her. Everything she does leads me to believe she doesn't want me. Leads me to believe she only wants me for a little something extra on the side. But when I said that, her face fell. She just looked so hurt and those beautiful big brown eyes filled up with tears. Tears, she wouldn't let fall. I hate Sean Cameron. I hate him because he gets her for more than just a night every now and then. I hate myself for not being able to tell her how I really feel. I hate her for making me feel this way and I hate her because no matter how much I try I can't hate her. I make no sense. She does this to me. How is it that she does this to me?

**_-x- Flashback -x- _**

_"Jay, I swear if you mention his name one more time!" Emma threatened._

_"Sean Cameron," Jay stated, with a smirk on his face._

_ "Okay, that's it! You were asking for this!" the small blonde jumped on Jay and began tickling him furiously. _

_"Em...Em...wait...no...sorry!" Jay sputtered out, between laughs._

_Emma pulled away from him with a smile on her face. _

_"I don't still care about Sean that way, Jay. I thought you would know that by now," her eyes conveying a deeper meaning than the words leaving her lips. However, Jay couldn't let himself hope that maybe she meant HE was the one she cared for. He couldn't let himself get trapped by her, when he knew...he KNEW...that if Sean came back Emma would go back to him._

_"Whatever you say, Nelson," Jay's retorted, making sure his words sounded playful, instead of hurt. He noticed the scowl on her face and laughed._

_"I love it when you're irritated, green peace. You just look so cute with your face all scrunched up like that," Jay said in a mock baby voice._

_"Shut up, Jay," Emma hid her feelings behind the pretend annoyance. It felt like her heart was being crushed because Jay thought she still harbored feelings for his best friend. _

_"Now get your ass over here and give me some lovin's, woman!" Jay demanded with a grin on his boyish features._

_"I thought you'd never ask," the blonde murmered as she lowered her soft pink lips to his._

_**-x-Flash back -x-**_

_"What are you doing here, Emma?" Jay asked, not looking at her, as he sat on a bench in the ravine._

_"Jay, I-"_

_"Shouldn't you be off with Cameron some where? I mean, you two are all lovey dovey back together now aren't you?" Jay asked, condenscendingly._

_"Let's not talk about Sean tonight, Jay. I came to see you," her gentle voice carried into the dark._

_Jay just nodded and stood from his seat. He walked over to the old van, not looking back to see if she was following, he knew she was. He slid the door open and crawled inside, still keeping his back turned to her, as she came in after him and closed the van door behind her._

_"Won't you even look at me, Jay?" her voice sounded so frail to him. What was she playing at? She had a boyfriend, for God's sake, a boyfriend who also happened to be his best friend._

_"This isn't right, Emma," he stated, still not looking at her. He couldn't look at her, if he looked at her he'd take her, he'd no longer care that she was his best friend's girl._

_"Look at me, Jay," Emma pleaded. Slowly he turned around and stared into her gentle brown eyes, eyes that he had lost himself in so many nights before. _

_"Why do you do this to me?" Jay asked, his voice tortured, as he lowered her to the van floor and crushed his lips to hers._

* * *

"Hey," Emma said softly.

Jay lifted his head from his hands and stared at the girl in front of him. The kids milling around the clearing melted away and for a moment he felt that it only the two of them and then he remembered. He had never asked her about her relationship with Sean. When he was with her he just tried to push it from his mind, let himself forget for a moment that she belonged to his bestfriend. Tonight, though, he couldn't forget.

"Do you sleep with him?" The words escaped his lips before he could stop them. The look on her face gave away everything and Jay's eyes went green with jealousy.

"How could you, Emma? How could you?" Was all he could say.

"Jay, I-" Emma started, but he cut her off.

"I never asked, you know. I never asked after we first had sex. I knew I wasn't the first and it seemed strange to me. Emma Nelson who was always the good girl wasn't a virgin. I knew it couldn't be Sean because I remember him telling me one of the reasons he broke up with you was because you never let him get past the kissing stage, wouldn't even let him go up your shirt. So then I started thinking it must have been Chris becuase you've never dated anyone else. But...you and Chris never seemed like you were much more than friends. I just don't get it, Em. I swore I'd never ask you, but I have to know. Who was it? Who?" Emma just stared at him for a moment before looking down at her hands.

"The night of the shooting...Sean came over. Um...we were both upset about what had happened and to be honest I really hadn't gotten over him at that point. One thing led to another and..." She waved her hand in front of her at a loss for words.

"So it was Sean."

"Yeah."

"Why do you sleep with him now?" Jay asked cautiously.

"I don't. Not really. It was only once Jay...after we first got back together. I...I guess part of me wanted to see if maybe I did still have those feelings for him. I was wrong. I shouldn't have slept with him and we haven't since. I told him that I thought I was ready for that step, but that I wasn't. Which, you know, isn't exactly true, but I wasn't...I'm not...ready for that with him," Emma explained softly.

Jay simply nodded and then stood.

"C'mon Green Peace. Let me walk you home."

Emma simply stared down at the hand that was not entwined with hers and back up at Jay. He smiled softly at her and the two began to walk. When they got to her house Emma expected him to come down to her room with her, but Jay simply kissed her softly on the lips and left her standing there, wondering what the hell was going on._  
_


	8. I know

**Disclaimer: **Okay I just realized I never did this so here it is. I do not own any part what-so-ever of Degrassi: The Next Generation no matter how much I wish it to be true.

**  
**

"Hey Spin! How's it going?" Emma Nelson asked as she walked up to the counter of the Dot.

"Not too bad, yourself?" Spinner asked.

"I'm alright," Emma said smiling. At that moment Paige walked in with Hazel and Marco. Spinner couldn't help but look at Paige with longing in his eyes. The look didn't pass Emma by.

"You still miss her, don't you?" Emma asked softly.

"You know, you're the only person to have realized that. Maybe it's because you know exactly how I feel," Spinner stated, giving Emma a knowing look.

"What are you talking about, Spinner? I already have Sean," Emma said, trying to sound convincing.

"You and I both know that only reason that you're still with Sean is because you can't be with the person you really want to be with. Emma, I know exactly how you feel. I stay with Darcy because I don't want to be alone. You and I both know Paige would never come back to me," Spinner said wistfully.

Emma just glared at him before saying, "I have no idea what you're talking about," and walked out of the Dot angrily.

* * *

**Emma**

I should have known that she knew. I should have known that if anyone could see through me it would be her. My best friend.

How could I have thought that I hid it so well?

First Spinner comes to me yesterday babbling on about how alike we are. And now Manny comes to me telling me I'm a selfish horrible person for doing this to Sean.

Okay so she didn't tell me I was a selfish horrible person, but that's how it felt.

We're sitting at home eating popcorn and watching corny love movies and out of nowhere she turns to me with dark, solemn eyes and says only, "I know." Of course I'm a little confused, I mean, who would'nt be? So I ask her what on earth it is that she means. Oh, how I wish I hadn't.

I remember word for word what she said next. It hurts me to know that every word she said rings true.

"Emma, we've been best friends since we were in diapers. I love you as if you were my own sister, but I have to say it. I've tried to hold it in, but I can't anymore. What you're doing is so wrong, Em! Can't you see how much Sean loves you? Can't you see how much it hurts him to know that you don't love him back? That you love...Jay? Don't give me that innocent look Emma Nelson. I've known for months now. I see the way he looks at you, the way you look at him. I've seen when you thought I was asleep, that he sneaks into our room and sleeps next to you. I hear the words he speaks to you. I'm not stupid. I don't blame you for loving him, Em. I blame you only for letting Sean believe that maybe there's a chance you'll forget him. It's not right"

After she said it, she turned back around, shoved a handful of popcorn in her mouth and went back to watching the movie.

I was too baffeled to say a word. Have I really been that obvious? It's a bit of a blow to know that I'm not quite as good of an actress as I thought I was. How is it that I'm in this situation? How is it that I fell in love with the person that I hated for so long?

It's been said there's a fine line between the love and hate...I never thought it was true until Jay. I can hate him with all that I am or I can love him with all that I am.

There is no inbetween. And why is it that I can't get Manny's words out of my head?

_ The way he looks at you.  
_

_ The words he says to you._

She must be wrong, must have interepeted the way he looks at me wrong.

Heard his words wrong.

Jay sees me as nothing more than a play thing to do with as he pleases.

Doesn't he?

Could there be hope for a little something more?

And what kind of person am I to be thinking that...to be hoping that he feels something real for me?

To be thinking those things when I have a boyfriend who loves me as much as Sean does?

I'm not that kind of girl.

At least I never was...I never was until Jay.

* * *

"You're home," Sean stated as I walked in the house.

"Can't get anything past you smart guy," I smirked at him. It's been strained between us since he got back. She's come between us and I'm not sure if he knows it. Part of me thinks he does while another part of me thinks that maybe he's oblivious. If he does know I wonder how he deals with it. I wonder if he just ignores it because he wants to believe that she wants him.

"At the ravine again?" He asked me, was that a hint of suspision I heard in his voice?

"Yeah," I muttered, cracking open a beer. My parents are so stupid, still leaving a shitload of beer in fridge, so much they never know when its taken. Nights like these, when I need a beer badly, I'm so glad that they work insane hours and are never home. When I handed Sean a beer, he simply shook his head no.

"Your loss. You look like you need it more than I do," I said, condenscendingly.

"I don't need that shit, Jay. Neither do you," he replied.

"What would you know what I need, Sean?" I asked, daring him to say what it is he wants to. I can tell there's something on his mind. Something he's been wanting to say to me for a while now, but doesn't have the balls to. I just don't know what it is.

"Her. You need her...and it kills you that she's mine," his words were spoken so softly I barely heard them. I took in a deep breath, unsure of what to say to that.

How do you reply to your best friend telling you that he knows you have a thing for his girlfriend? He didn't say he knew that she's been cheating on him though...maybe he doesn't. Maybe he just thinks I want her. That's okay if he knows that.

"Lots of girls out there, Cameron. I don't NEED any of them," I shot back at him.

"Emma's different though, and you know it."

I didn't say anything to him then, because what could I say? He's right. She is different.

"I know, Jay. I know you were just with her. Stop acting like I'm an idiot, it's insulting. She's a good liar and so are you...just not good enough," his voice sounds tortured and for a moment I feel truly sorry for what I've done to him. For the first time I truly wish I had never gone after her, that I had just left her alone.

"Why couldn't you have just left her alone, Jay? Emma's...special," he paused then and looked up at me...into my eyes...making sure I was taking in every word he was saying, "You're just going to mess it up with her. I can already see it affecting her, what you're doing. She's had to have lost at least fifteen pounds in the past two months. For how thin she was to begin with that's not healthy."

I could feel my face getting hot with anger at his words.

"So what? Emma's going on some dumbass crash diet and it's my fault? If that girl's got body problems it has nothing to do with me! If you're even suggesting that I told her she was fat or anything of that sort I swear Cameron I'm going to pound your face into the fucking ground!"

"That's NOT what I said, Jay. Damn. When Emma gets really upset about shit, she doesn't eat. I see the way she looks at you Jay. She's never looked at me like that. Either stay the hell away from her, or tell her how you really feel about her. I'm tired of this bullshit. I love her...but she doesn't love me. For some reason, unknown to me...she loves you. So be a fucking man already and stop stringing her along," I could hear the anger laced in with his words. When Sean gets angry it's not a pretty sight...when he gets angry about something to do with Emma...you better get the fuck away from him. I never was very smart.

"You do realize you're basically telling me to steal your girlfriend away from you right?" I kept my voice even...joking.

"She's not mine for you to fucking steal. Don't you get it, Jay? I've known the whole fucking time I've been with her that it wasn't me she really wanted to be with. Just took me a little longer to find out why. My dad called me a few weeks ago..'round 2 in the morning...I was upset about some stuff he said and I wanted to see Emma. I know she tends to stay up late so I went to her house and started sneaking in her window. Imagine my FUCKING surprise when my BEST FRIEND is asleep in MY girlfriend's bed...HOLDING HER!" His temper really is impressive.

"Whatever, Cameron. You can't take the fact that your girlfriend's a slut...not my problem," I regret the words as soon as they're out of my mouth. Sean jumped off the couch so fucking fast it wasn't even funny. I barely had time to blink before his fist had connected with my face and I was sprawled out on the floor.

"Hey look at that," I said, spitting out blood.

"Didn't drop my beer," and I took a swig of the warm liquid, with Sean towering over me his hands clenched at his side.

"You don't fucking deserve for her to even glance your way," he spat out.

"I packed my bags. I'm fucking out of here," with that he swung a bag over his shoulder, which I had neglected to see next to the couch, and picked up another one and walked out of my house.

"I know," I whispered.

I just lost the last person I considered to be a real friend.


	9. Losing It Over You

"Jay?" Emma whispered into the darkness.

"Yeah, I'm here," he said, stumbling to her bed.

"Jay, you're drunk," Emma accused.

"No, baby, I'm just a little buzzin'...now let me give you some lovin'," Jay fell onto the bed.

"Emma, can you get him to shut up! He's being loud enough to wake the dead!" Manny yelled in a whisper.

"Manny! Hey Manny, how's it goin'. Do you know that my best friend hates me? Yup. Sean moved out today," Jay said, in a whiny voice, that reminded the two girls very much of Emma's little brother Jack.

"Why did he move out, Jay?" Emma asked, cautiously.

"He hates me, that's why. I ruin everything! Did you know that? My best friend hates me, my lesbian ex-girlfriend...did you know Alex is a lesbian? Well she hates me. My parents hate me and you're going to hate me soon too," Jay stated, matter of factly.

"I don't hate you, Jay," Emma said as if she was speaking to a small child.

"You will."

* * *

**  
**

**Jay**

I am the biggest fucking idiot ever. No, really I am. I don't know what the hell came over me this morning. It was like...oh, I don't know. It was almost like I was possessed, something came over me and I was completely powerless to stop it. My mind was shouting at me "STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP", but the words that were coming out of my mouth had a mind of their own.

I could always leave the country.

Yeah, that sounds nice. I'll just jump in my car and drive to fricken California or something. Then maybe SHE will get out of my head.

It's all her fucking fault, with her big innocent eyes, lips of an angel, and soft words. Damn her to Hell.

Damn her to Hell and me along with her.

* * *

_Jay Hogart stood at his locker, pulling out his hat and shoving it on his head. Emma liked it when he didn't wear it, she said that she loved his hair. Well screw her. He could hear her giggles just don't the hallway from him. Her voice carried over the other students' and into his ears._

_"Sean! Sean, I'm serious you stop that right now!"_

_"Come on, baby, you know you like it. These hands are your slaves!"_

_Jay turned and watched as Sean tickled Emma, all the while showering little kisses on her face. He watched as finally Sean stopped tickling her and pulled her into his arms. He watched as the blonde leaned in and kissed her boyfriend. He noticed Manny standing next to them, watching HIM with curious eyes. He noticed suddenly that his feet were carrying him over to the scene, although he didn't remember beginning to walk over there. He barely registered as his hand shot out and pulled Sean off of Emma. He had no control over the words that began to spill from his lips._

_"Get the hell off of her! What do you think you're doing!" Jay yelled, angrily._

_"Um, I'm kissing my girlfriend?" Sean laughed, a hint of sarcasm in his voice. Jay's eyes filled with fury as he looked from Emma to Sean and back again._

_"Jay, maybe you should-" Manny started, but Jay cut her off._

_"Shut up, Santos! Why do you fucking do this, Emma? Why do you fucking throw this in my face? I thought we...DAMMIT!" Jay's fist connected with the locker behind Emma with a loud bang and all the students in the hall turned to watch where all the commotion was coming from._

_"Jay, you need to calm down. Maybe you should just-" Emma began to softly say._

_"Just last night, Emma. JUST LAST NIGHT I HELD YOU IN MY ARMS! NOT SEAN! ME! Does it mean nothing to you?" The last few words were barely above a whisper and Emma was shocked to see tears in Jay's peircing blue eyes. Emma looked over to Sean who had his hands shoved in his jean pockets staring past her. She knew that he had already known, but God she hadn't wanted it ever to be thrown in his face. He didn't deserve that...and in front of all their classmates._

_"Jay stop," Emma said quietly, but the tone in her voice made him look at her in surprise. _

_"Emma..."_

_"Just GO, Jay. You've done enough."_

_Jay stared at Emma for a moment before turning around and angrily walking out of the school. He didn't fucking care._

_He didn't._

* * *

Emma Nelson and Sean Cameron were sitting down in Emma's room. Both were cross-legged on her bed and neither had said a word since coming down there almost 10 minutes ago. The school day had been a strained one. Other kids stared at both of them curiously and the whispers were loud enough that both knew the rumors that were swirling around the school. 

"I'm sorry, Sean," Emma finally whispered, staring at her hands. She couldn't bring herself to look him in the eye. She didn't want to see the pain that she knew was there. She heard as Sean took a deep breath and let it out.

"I knew," he said softly. Emma just nodded her head, not wanting to say anything.

"I could pretend that I didn't before, though. What can I do now?" Sean asked, more to himself than to Emma.

Emma finally forced herself to look at Sean. His green eyes held a sadness there that they hadn't before. He looked old, an old man stuck in a young man's body. She had done this to him and there was nothing she could to take it back. She could lie and she knew that he would take her lies and pretend again, but she couldn't do it to him anymore. Manny had been right. She was playing around with people's feelings and it was horrible of her.

"I never should have...I never should have gotten back together with you, Sean. I just didn't want to be alone anymore," Emma's voice was filled with tears. Sean smiled at her sadly and reached over taking her hands in his.

"I wish you could love me like you love him," he said softly.

"So do I...you don't know how much," she could no longer control the tears that were silently pouring down her pale cheeks.

Sean cleared his throat, uncomfortably, and shifted on the bed. "He loves you, too, ya know."

"No, he doesn't."

"Emma, the guy just completly lost it over you in front of the whole school. I think that's saying something, don't you?" Sean said in such a "duh" tone that Emma almost laughed.

"Besides, I've seen the way he looks at you. He looks at you like I look at you," Sean stated, giving Emma's hand a small squeeze.

"I never wanted to hurt you."

"I know."


	10. Better Than Me

_**Flashback**  
_

_"Have you ever loved anyone Jay?" The small blonde asked of the boy who held her in his arms. She heard him take a deep breath and slowly let it out._

_"Does it matter?" he asked, his voice ragged. She could tell he didn't want to talk about this, to him the matter was dropped. However, she couldn't let it go. She needed to know. Only a few months ago she had confessed her love for him and he had practically laughed in her face. Maybe he couldn't love her because he loved someone else. Was he still in love with Alex? If he was still in love with somone else she thought she could handle it. If there was no one else...well...then why couldn't he love her? What was so wrong with her?_

_"Yes," she said simply. Jay untangled himself from her and slowly stood up from her bed. He began to gather his clothes that were scattered around her floor. He pulled his t-shirt over his head and pulled his jeans on. She watched him, silently, as he walked towards her window and undid the latch. Just as she thought he wasn't going to answer her question and just leave her there, he paused, but did not turn around._

_"To answer you question, Emma, I have loved someone, more than you can possibly know. She's too good for me, though. She deserves better," with those words he crawled out of Emma's room and into the dark night._

_A tear trailed down the blonde's cheek as she wondered who it was he loved._

* * *

Emma Nelson had never thought it would come to this, but somehow it had. She could not understand Jay's outburst that morning and she did not mean to let him get away with it. She was more angry than she had been in a long time. At first she had only been shocked, then talking to Sean in her room only twenty minutes before the anger had begun to fill her up. The look on Sean's face had been one she never wanted to see. She had hurt him more than she had ever dreamed of doing, more than she had ever wanted to. She loved Sean, she just didn't love him the way he loved her. As much as she had tried to love him as she had years ago, she just couldn't. Sean was many things to her, but never again would he be her one and only love. He didn't deserve this, none of them did. Emma closed her eyes for a moment, collecting herself, before knocking on the door in front of her. She waited a few minutes before knocking again. She knew he was here, his car was in the drive and she could hear sounds coming from inside the large house in front of her. 

Truth be told his house shocked her. She had never dreamed that Jay would live in a home like this. So many questions rose inside of her at the sight of the beautiful, three-story home. She shook her head, bringing herself out of her thoughts and knocked once more on the majagony door. Finally she decided to just go in. If he didn't want to see her right now, well too bad because she was going to give him a peice of her mind whether he liked it or not.

She walked into the the front hall and slowly made her way towards the noises. She glanced around at the photographs hanging on the wall, taking notice of one in particular. She guessed it was Jay as a child, he couldn't have been more than six in it, he was grinning happily at the camera with a bright green stuffed bear in his chubby little arms. Emma could feel a smile tugging at the edges of her lips at the sight. She continued walking through the house until making her way into the living room. She noticed the mess first, a mess that looked so out of place in an otherwise immaculate house. There were a few beer cans lying carelessly on the floor in front of the couch and a big bottle of brandy about halfway empty sitting on the coffee table. Jay's hat was perched on the armchair of the couch and an empy pizza box lay open on the couch beside him. She stared at Jay, who was sprawled out on the couch watching football on tv, before making herself known.

Emma cleared her throat loudly and Jay slowly turned his head and Emma was shocked by his eyes. His eyes, usually a peircing blue, were dull and sad. The aloof expression he usually kept on his face at all times seemed sorrowful. Emma took a deep breath and shook these thoughts from her mind. She would not feel sorry for him right now. What he had done had been uncalled for and completely careless.

"What'da want," Jay slurred out the words.

"Oh just lovely. You're trashed," Emma accused, sarcastically.

"S-so what? Not like YOU care anyways-s," Jay managed to sputter out.

"You know I care, Jay. But that's not why I'm here. What was your problem this morning Jay?" Emma asked, exasperated by his state of drunkenness.

"You think I don't have feelings," Jay said, then broke out laughing.

"At the moment, Jay, I'm having a hard time caring that you have feelings. You really hurt Sean. He didn't deserve it. You know he didn't deserve it. What did he ever do to you?" Emma yelled at the dark haired boy in front of her.

"What did he do to me? That's rich, Emma," the comment seemed to sober him up a little as his speech wasn't as slurred.

"You love him, that's what he did to me. Sean the lost soul. Sean the first love. Sean the heartbreaker. Sean the hero. Sean the prodigal son. Always about Sean. Sean. Sean. Sean. I can barely stand to say his name anymore!" Jay's outburst filled the living room. Emma just looked at him as if she'd never seen him before. No words would come to her because there was nothing for her to say. How could she respond to that? She'd already told Jay she didn't love Sean anymore, but he hadn't believed her. What was the point anymore?

"I told you, didn't I? That night you told me you loved me. I told you that you didn't. Told you I was just a replacement until he came back. You had the nerve to deny it! Ha! You went back to him almost as soon as he returned. Proved me right," Jay continued ranting.

"What do you care, Jay? You've made it clear from day one that I'm nothing more to you than a good lay now and then. I'm nothing to you, but you're dirty little secret, something for you to be ashamed of in public. Is it so wrong that I didn't want to be alone anymore?" Her words came out strangled. She could feel the tears threatening to overflow, but held them back. She would NOT cry in front of him, not this time.

"No. No, all lies. I lied," Jay whispered. She could tell that he was just as surprised as she was by his words. His blue eyes widened, staring at her, waiting for her to reply.

"What was lies Jay? Because I'm starting to wonder if you even know anymore."

Jay simply sat there, not saying a word. He was drunk, but he could still sense "the danger zone". He was close to telling her his true feelings, but he couldn't. He could never do that. She deserved so much more than he could give her.

"I told you I loved you once, Jay. I wasn't lying. No matter what you think, I wasn't lying. You didn't want me. That's what it came down to, what it comes down to. You don't want me, but you don't want anyone else to have me. How is it that I never realized how pathetic you are?" At that Emma spun around, but before she could leave Jay spoke.

"I didn't tell you why he moved out, Emma." At his words Emma stopped, but did not turn around.

"He questioned me about us. He knew...before this morning. He knew."

"I know, Jay. I know that he knew. Unlike you, apparently, I could see it in his eyes," She said softly.

"You're putting all the blame on me, Em. I wasn't the only one...you had a choice in this too," Jay's voice was quiet.

"Don't you think I know that, Jay? Don't you think I've felt nothing, but guilt since I got back together with Sean?" She spun around so she was facing him now.

"He's been nothing, but good to me since he came back and I've been cheating on him. It doesn't matter how I feel...cheating is low no matter the reasons. I've turned into the girl I hate. It would be easy for me to blame you and say it was all your fault...but it wasn't. I did have a choice. I see now that I made the wrong one," this time when she left he didn't say anything to stop her. He simply stared at the place where she had just stood and mouthed the words, "I love you."

Then for the first time since he was a little boy, Jay cried.


	11. Confessions

I can hear the rustling by my window and then the window slowly being unlatched and someone climbing in. I close my eyes tight, knowing who it is, hoping he will think I'm asleep and go away. I can't handle it tonight. I can't say what I need to say tonight. I can't tell him to leave. I feel someone climbing into bed with me and lying beside me. I can feel his breath on my cheek and I long to turn on my side and slide my arms around him, but I can't. Not anymore. 

"Em? Emma, you awake?" his low, husky voice enters my ears. I keep my eyes shut and my breathing even, hoping he will believe that I'm sleeping. I hear him sigh and then he softly kisses me on the cheek. He drapes one muscled arm across my stomach and begins to speak in a low voice, almost a whisper.

"Oh, God, Em. Don't you know how I feel about you? I wish so badly that I could tell you. I wish I could just say the words, but I know you deserve someone so much better than me. Who am I, except a good for nothing asshole? I'm barely going to graduate this year, if at all. I never really cared about those things, to be honest I still don't really. I wish I did though. For you I wish I cared. Then maybe I would deserve to love you. I don't though. Which is why I can never tell you that I love you," I could feel my breath catch at his last three words. My eyes flew open, against my will and I stared up at him in shock.

"Em?" He asked me and I could hear fear in his voice. I couldn't say a word, all I could do was stare at him. I had never imagined he would say that to me, never.

"You weren't supposed to hear that. I thought...I thought you were asleep," he sounded broken.

I still didn't say anything, just stared at him. Searching...searching for the truth in his words in his peircing blue eyes.

"Forget what I said, Green Peace. It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything. I told you that night that you would end up hating me. I can see now that you have," there were tears in his eyes as he said this to me.

"Why, Jay? Why?" Was all I could say, not really sure what I was asking why to. It could have been to why did he think I hated him. Why couldn't he tell me he loves me. Why didn't it change anything now that he had.

"I would just fuck it up with you, Em. Trust me on this. I'm good at ruining things...especially good things."

"But...Jay...you're going to let your past keep you from trying? How do you know it would happen this time?" I begged him, forgetting for a moment my vow to myself to stay away from him. To end things with him for good.

A sad smile appeared on his haggard looking face.

"I just know. Let me do the right thing for once, Emma. Just let me do the right thing for you," his eyes pleaded with me to stop torturing him.

"What about me, Jay? What about what I want?" I asked, not able to stop the tears from falling down my face anymore.

"It's what you want now, Emma. Soon enough, you'll realize I'm right," with those words he turned his back on me and walked out of my room. And out of my life.

* * *

**Jay**

I thought she was sleeping. I swear to God I thought she was sleeping or I never would have said those words to her. The look on her face when I left cut me so deep, but what can I do? I've never really been one to do the right thing. Usually I don't do the right thing, just to piss people off. When it comes to her though...I had to. I will never be good enough for her and soon enough she'll realize it. I really love her and I couldn't bear it if I did to her what I've done to my other girlfriends. I say now that I won't cheat on her and I won't be a jackass to her, but...I said that with Alex too. What happens when that side of me comes out when I'm with her and all I end up doing is hurting her? I'd rather hurt her a little now, than so much more later. I wish I could make her see how truly sorry I am, but she'll probably just end up thinking this was all a game to me. It's probably better that way.

I never should have cheated on Alex. She never would have turned into a some lesbo freak (a/n: no offense to homosexuals, this is just how I would picture Jay talking about it) and I never would have fallen for little miss goody-two-shoes. You know, sometimes I wonder about that girl though. She does seem to have a bit of a thing for the bad boy. First Sean, now me. Who's next? Spinner? (If you can call Spinner a bad boy.) Soon enough she'll find some other poor guy to torture and everything will go back to normal.

Yeah.

Can I go back to normal?

**Author's Note: **_Okay, so obviously I changed it. I didn't change it much just a few subtle things. Hope you guys like this better...I do lol._


	12. Tell Me You Don't Love Me

**Emma**

Well, pretty much everything has gone back to normal. The past few days have been hell for me and I truly hope they have been for him as well, although he doesn't act like it. I miss the days of sneaking glances and midnight visits, but all of that has disintegrated. I don't understand him. He says he doesn't deserve me, but...is that what love is really about? I think I deserve the one I love and that's him. In the back of my mind I know the real reason we're not together is because he doesn't truly love me. If he really loved me he'd be with me, not that big busted whore he's been all over the last few days. I swear, Heather Sinclaire? I mean, really! She is the nastiest, sluttiest girl ever to grace the halls of Degrassi and Jay has been draped all over her like some sort of love-sick puppy. He's been more cruel to me than usual as well.

I don't know what I've done to make him so cruel to me. In the past he would walk past me without saying a word most of the time, only once in a while would he mutter some insult. The last few days, every sing time he and that skank walk past me he's spouting out cruel words my way. I believe his latest was telling me that he wasn't sure how any guy would ever want me seeing as I'm just a stick and as flat as a pancake to make matters worse. How can someone who was once so sweet to me, now be so horribley mean?

Sean and Manny have been great. I swear, I couldn't ask for better friends. I wish so badly that I could love Sean. I mean, sure he's a little rough around the edges, but deep down he's probably the greatest guy I know. After we broke up freshman year he was horrible to me and I suppose I was to him as well. It makes me smile, now, thinking of the way we were to each other. We were so immature, but I suppose we were both just hurt and trying to hurt the other just as bad. Anyways, when things with Snake started getting really bad there was one night when I couldn't handle it anymore. I broke down completely and when I tried calling Manny half a dozen times all I got was a busy signal, so I called the only other person I could think of: Sean. I remember how surprised he was to hear me on the other end of the line and then I remember being so mad when he hung up on me, but barely ten minutes later he was crawling through my basement window and holding me, telling me everything would be alright. It just goes to show what a wonderful guy he really is, the fact that he put aside all of our differences for that one night because I just needed someone to be there for me. I wonder if Jay would ever do that for me?

Sean and Manny recently sat me down and had talk with me about my eating. They said they're worried about me because I look like I've lost more weight. They said they never see me eat anything anymore, except a peice of fruit or some celery every once in awhile. I know it's not healthy, what I'm doing to myself, but I can't help it. I just can't eat anything lately. I tried, I really did, to eat the baked zitti Snake made last night and I just got nauseous. I know I'm not fat, logically, but when I look in the mirror I see this huge, disgusting blob staring back at me. When I step on the scale and see that I've lost another pound I just get this surge of pride rising up inside of me and nothing compares to that feeling. I don't really have anything left to be happy about. Jay doesn't want me anymore, not even once in a while, and that hurts more than I can possibly say. I can't control anything in my life right now, but I can control what I put in my body. I just have to be more careful...Sean and Manny are worried enough right now. I just have to start eating. It's that simple right?

The last few days all my energy has gone into trying to hate Jay, to truly hate him the way I used to...but I can't. All those nights I spent with him keep running through my mind and I wonder if it's truly over. I have to do this one last thing to assure myself that it's over. I have to try to fight for him this one last time.

* * *

Emma Nelson nervously tucked a peice of golden hair behind her ear as she made her way to the picnic bench that Jay Hogart sat on. She barely took notice of the other kids milling around the clearing as she kept her eyes locked on the brown-haired devil before her. Leaves crunched under her tennis shoes causing Jay to look up at her in surprise. 

"Emma-" he started, but she quickly cut him off.

"I know what you said, Jay, but...what can I say? I have a hard time letting go," she spoke softly, scared of the words that were coming out of her lips.

"It's over, Emma. Deal with it," the cruelty in his words were not lost on the frail blonde. She cringed, inwardly, at his tone, but kept on with why she'd come here.

"If you don't love me, Jay, I will walk out of here. I will leave you alone forever and never look back. Just tell me you don't love me. Just say it," she pleaded with him. She needed him to tell her that he didn't love her. She needed him to say it, so that she could let go of what they shared. She knew that if she went on thinking that maybe he did really love her she would never move on.

Jay just stared at the girl in front of him, amazed at the courage it must have taken her to come here. He closed his eyes for the breifest of moments and then opened them to stare straight at her.

"I. Don't. Love. You."

Emma nodded as her eyes flooded with tears. She stumbled backwards, away from him. The pain shooting through her was like a thousand knives stabbing at her already bruised heart.

"Goodbye, Jay," she whispered, before turning around and fleeing the scene, much as she had that first night she'd been here with him.

Jay simply put his head in his hands and wondered how everything had gotten so complicated.


	13. Author's Note

_**I know we're not supposed to do author's notes as chapters, but...I just wanted to let ya'll know I haven't forgotten about this story. I'm having a major block when it comes to what happens next so it's just going on a little hiatus. If anyone has ideas please email them to me otherwise I'll, hopefully, have something new up soon.**_  



	14. Just Perfect

**_Author's Note: _**_Sorry about such the long wait guys! I promise I will try to put the next chapter up sooner! My enter key stopped working towards the end, so it's a little rough. Please bare with me I really wanted to get this posted. Once I get on a different computer or if my enter key magically starts working again, I'll go back and fix it. For now review, review, review :)_

_Emma_

_It's been three months since Jay shoved me out of his life. Three months since anything felt right. I go through each day, feigning happiness, plastering that fake smile on. I thought that things would get better, but they haven't. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could make myself get over him...make myself hate him. _

_The only thing that gives me any kind of happiness anymore is losing that extra pound._

_100 lbs._

_It's the perfect number. All I need is to get down to 100 lbs. and I'll be happy again. Jay will want me back because he'll see how thin and beautiful I've become, but I'll just laugh in his face. I won't need him anymore. I won't need anyone anymore._

_Eleven more pounds to go. _

_It'll be even more if I keep eating like such a PIG! I was doing so good. I hadn't eaten in two days and then today I had half of an apple, three celery sticks and FIVE doritos. The apple and celery sticks...so what, those are okay. I'm not an idiot, I know I need a little food at least to keep up my energy, but DORITOS? Where is my self-control? My discipline? _

_It'll never happen again. I'll make sure of it._

* * *

**Jay**

**I've tried not to notice. I've tried to look away from the paleness of her skin, the boniness of her arms and the way her once perfect-fitting jeans now hang at her small hips. Emma's wasting away and there's nothing I can do. I can't come in and save her because...hell...I don't even know how to save myself. This isn't about me not being good enough for her anymore, this is about her and the fact that she's seriously messed up right now. **

**Besides, I'm pretty sure she hates me now. I made sure she would. **

**Dumbass.**

* * *

Manny

Emma is my best friend. She's the whole reason that I've been able to get through every shitty thing that's happened to me...or that's happened because of me. Even when I've been wrong, she supports me...well...she comes around to it lol. I can't support her in what she's doing to herself.

My mom was anorexic. I've never told anyone that, not even Emma. When I was eight she was rushed to the hospital because she passed out at the grocery store. She would have died if my dad hadn't forced her to get help. Since then it's been a long battle for her, to get to the point where she's at a normal, healthy weight and she feels okay with that. I didn't understand when I was little that I could have lost her, but I know that now. My mom was killing herself, slowly, but surely and Emma's doing the same fucking thing.

I don't care how mad she gets at me if she finds out. She needs help, so I went to Ms. Sauve. She's just gonna have to deal with it.

* * *

"Emma Nelson?" 

"Yes," Emma responded, lifting her head from the book she'd been reading.

"You have a pass," the study hall supervisor said.

"Oh, um, okay," the blonde slowly gathered her books together and made her way up to the front of the library. The supervisor handed her a small scrap of paper with out even looking up. Emma opened the note, carefully reading each line before sighing. She had a paper she needed to write by the end of the day and how was she supposed to do that when Ms. Sauve was breaking her out of study hall? If Ms. Sauve even TRIED talking to her about her parents marriage or peer pressure or whatever it is they talk about in guidance counseling offices she was so out of there.

Emma struggled with her bag for a moment, stopping in the hallway to catch her breath. When did her bag get so heavy? She walked the rest of the way to the counseling office, knocking softly on Ms. Sauve's door. The door opened quietly and Ms. Sauve's smiling face popped out.

"Emma, hi. Come right in. Why don't you have a seat and you and I will have have a chat, okay?" Ms. Sauve motioned Emma inside, sitting down at her desk.

"So, Emma. How've you been?" She asked, smiling softly.

Emma sat, clasping her hands in her lap and watching Ms. Sauve carefully. "Uh, okay. Why am I here?"

"To be honest Emma, a friend of yours came to me. She said that you haven't been eating and she's worried. She's not the only person that has contacted me in the past couple of weeks either. Some of your teachers have said that your grades are starting slip and you're falling asleep in class. And...well, Emma...you're appearance has got some people concerned," Ms. Sauve explained, her voice gentle.

"What do you mean, my appearance?" Emma asked bitterly, terrified that her secret had been discovered. This was something no one else was supposed to touch, this was hers and hers alone. Couldn't they see that she needed it to survive? Couldn't they see that it was the only thing keeping her holding on?

Ms. Sauve sighed deeply, looking at Emma more closely. "Sweetie, you look as if you've lost a lot of weight. You were always thin, but...Emma I'm worried about you."

"Well don't be I'm fine. Can I just go now please?" The frail blonde spat out, angry that this woman she barely knew would say she was worried about her. Ha. She didn't even know her.

"I can't help you, if you don't want to be helped. Just know I'm here, if you need to talk...about anything," Ms. Sauve said, her lips forming a grim line.

"Thanks. I'll keep it in mind," Emma tossed out, gingerly lifting her bag and exiting the room.

As Emma walked down the hall she felt herself begin to feel dizzy. It was happening so much more often lately. She paused, giving herself a moment to collect herself. She refused to believe she had a problem. So she wanted to lose a little weight, big deal. She wasn't the first teenage girl to go on a diet. She didn't have a problem. She didn't. She was just perfect, thank you very much. Emma Nelson had to be perfect, or else...who was she?


	15. A Perfect Lunch

**Sean**

_Why is it that the people who always need help the most turn away from it? She used to be beautiful in this vibrant, take your breath away sort of way, now she's beautiful in a heartbreakingly sort of way. When she smiles I can tell it's fake and I can see the unshed tears in her brown eyes, but she'll never admit how defeated she truly is. I want so badly to just reach out and save her from all the pain she's going through, but I can't. Manny told me she went to Ms. Sauve and talked to her about Em, but I don't think it did much good because Emma still isn't eating her lunch. _

_I guess there is one good thing that's come out of this whole mess. Manny and I have gotten really close. I never payed much attention to her, I guess. She was always just Emma's best friend, but she really is a great girl. She's so sweet and caring; she'd do anything for a friend. I think I might be falling for her a little, but it'll pass. It'll have to pass because I know she'd never look at me in that way._

* * *

"Hey, Em, you want to go to the Dot after school?" I ask her, hoping that maybe I can get her to eat something that way. She's starting to really scare me with her appearance. I can see a flash of uncertainty in her eyes, but she wipes it away quickly, sliding the mask back down over her features.

"Yeah, that'd be fun. We'll ask Manny if she can come to, okay?" Emma says, without enthusiasm. I take note of the way she lifts herself, with great effort, from the lunch table and then steadies herself for a moment before reaching down and picking up her back pack.

"Where ya' going Emma?" But my question goes unanswered as she's already walking away. We still have ten minutes of lunch left and I wonder why she's in such a hurry to leave, but then I notice Jay out of the corner of my eye. He has his arm slung around some little brunette chick. Hailey? Is that her name? I can't remember. I know I've seen her hanging out at the ravine before. She's just another one of his stand-ins for Emma. Anger begins to boil inside me as I watch Jay with her. Why does he have to rub her face in it? Isn't it enough that he's already broken her?

Before I realize what I'm doing I'm walking across the cafeteria towards him and I'm pulling him up by the shirt. My fist flies connecting to his face with a sickening crack. The look of bewilderment on his face would make me laugh, had I not been so mad.

"You just gonna stare at me, Hogart? Fight me, c'mon, you piece of shit!" I yell at him, my face red with fury upon seeing him just standing there staring at me.

"What the fuck, Sean. What's going on?" He asks, the idiot knows what's going on. He had to have known this would happen sooner or later. He had to have known that I'd snap. My temper is the one thing I'm more famous for than all that hero bullshit.

"You wanna know what's going on, Jay? Emma, that's what. You've fucking destroyed her you asshole," I scream, fist flying out once more to land in his gut. I watch with cold eyes as my best friend doubles over in pain, but I can't calm down. All I want is to beat the crap out of him, make him hurt the way he's hurt her. I keep pounding on him, and I can feel his fist landing a few good punches as well, but I barely register the pain. I feel a light touch on my shoulder and whirl around, wondering who it is that would dare come near me when I'm in this kind of mood, already pummeling the crap out of someone.

Emma.

She staring at me in that quiet way of hers. Her eyes are telling me how disappointed in me she is and then she pushes past me to Jay, who's lying crumpled on the floor. I watch her rub soothing circles on his back and she whispers something to him that I can't quite hear. Then I see a flash of pain come across her face and she's standing up staring down at him with unbelieving eyes.

"You bastard. All I tried to do was help you," she whispered, but I knew that whisper all to well. That whisper was more effective than a scream and could make the person on the receiving end of it feel like the lowest form of scum.

Jay begins to get up from the floor, staring at Emma and myself defiantly. His left eyes is already beginning to puff and his right cheek has the beginning of an angry purple showing through. A little trickle blood is forming a line down his chin from the place where I split his lip, but he shows no sign that he's in pain. I step back in surprise when he lets out a low, cruel laugh.

"You know Emma, maybe you shouldn't eat so much, you're starting to look a little chunky, sweet heart. Thank God I stopped screwing you when I did or else I would have been crushed under all that weight. You do like being on top better, don't you darling?" Jay spat out, in front of the whole cafeteria who had long ago abandoned their lunches to see the commotion. Emma's beautiful face contorted in pain and before I could step forward to continue my assault on Jay for the comment he made at her, she was already flying at him. I watch in fascination as her fists flew in ever directing, fingers clawed at him and feet kicked.

My God, she was beating him worse than I had. He just stood there and let her do it, I could see the look in his eyes. The look of total shame at what he'd said to her, but he would not take it back. The asshole really thought he was doing her a favor and by God maybe he was.

I finally got enough sense to pull her off of him and her eyes were flashing as she screamed out obscenities at him. I, literally, had to drag her from the lunch room and out of the school. I knew a place I could take her where she could cool off.

If I didn't want to kill Jay Hogart before, I certainly do now.


	16. Save Me

I'm not sure how long Sean and I have been sitting down by the river in silence. He hasn't said anything to me, knowing I need the quiet for a little while, that I'm not quite ready for the words yet. I reach over and lace my fingers with his. His hands are strong, calloused and so comforting. I lie my head on his shoulder and take in a deep breath. They say there's comfort in the familiar and right now I completely agree.

"Do you think he ever cared about me Sean?" The words left my lips with out my meaning for them to. It was just another question in my head, but now it's out in the open and I can hear Sean take a sharp intake of breath.

"He did, Em. I know he still does. Jay...he never really means to hurt anybody, but with him it always seems to happen. It's kind of, funny, in a way. He was trying to protect you from getting hurt in the long run, but ended up hurting you even worse this way," Sean said quietly, reassuring me that I'm not the problem. I know I am. There must be something wrong with me. Right? But I don't voice that. I don't say anything more on the subject. Easier, much easier, to keep it locked up inside.

"Thank you," I whisper.

"For what?" He asks me, although we both know what for.

"For defending me. For bringing me here. For always knowing what I need before I even know myself. How do you always know?" The words are spoken in wonder because it's true. He does always know what I need. Why can't I make myself care for him the way I used to?

He laughs softly, nudging me playfully with his shoulder, "Cause I know you, Em. Now, I think we both need a little fun, don't you?" His eyes turn devilish and before I even know what's happening he has me off my feet and gathered up in his arms as though I'm weightless.

"What do you think you're doing Sean Cameron!" I screech, but before I even get the rest of the sentence out, I'm flying through the air. With a loud crash I land in the water, sputtering for air, I push my hair back and glare up at him.

"It's quite warm for November, don't you think darling?" He asks me, in between doubled over laughter. Quietly, I wade closer to the bank, reaching out with one thin arm I swiftly grab his ankle, causing him to tumble in beside me. The shock in his murky green eyes is apparent as he shakes his head in wonder.

"It's freezing in here," he chatters, as if he'd thought in couldn't be possible. The rolls of laughter begin to tumble out of them then. He smiles softly at me and I look at him with curious eyes.

"What?" I ask, suddenly self concious.

"It's just good to hear your laugh," he says quietly.

I don't think at all as I cross the distance between us. My hands reach out and cup his face, pulling him into me. My lips are on his in one feverish sweep. We're kissing in the river, but then I realize he's not kissing me back. I pull away from him, utterly mortified at what I've done.

"What was that for?" He asks me, watching me with cautious green eyes.

"I, oh, uh. Sean, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," I whisper as tears begin to cloud my vision and I run out of the water.

"Emma wait!" He call out and I stop, turning around to face him. That's when the dizziness hits again. I reach out for something, anything, to balance myself with, but there's nothing. Darkness overtakes me before I hit the ground.

* * *

"Manny what is x if 23 plus 52x equals 34 plus 13x?" 

Oh crap, I didn't slouch down in my desk enough. I hate math. I don't know this. Stupid algebra.

"Uh. Okay. 52x minus 13x is equal to-"

Saved by the...Mr. Simpson?

"Manny, Manny you need to come quick. We have to go. I'm sorry Ms. Ganski, but we have to go," he says frantically. Something's wrong. I know something is wrong. I gather my books up quickly and dump them into my bag, running out of the classroom after him.

"Snake! Snake what's going on?" I ask, breathlessly, trying to keep up with him as he tears down the hallway.

"It's Emma. She's in the hospital. She passed out, I don't know," he says. After that I'm silent.

We speed the whole way to the hospital. We find out what room she's in and then run the whole way there. Spike is sitting in the a chair in the hallway, holding on to Sean's hand, as tears fall down her face.

"Archie!" She calls out upon spotting us, rushing up from her seat and flinging herself into her husband's arms.

"They won't tell me anything. I don't know what's happening," she sobs.

All that we can do is sit and wait. Wait for the doctors to tell us what's wrong with my best friend.

I already know.


	17. Surprise!

**_Disclaimer: _**_I own nothing._

_**Author's Note: **Sorry for the very long hiatus. Things have been pretty crazy around here, tons of exams and I was recently diagnosed as bipolar so stuff has kinda sucked. Anyhow...I hope you guys aren't too mad at me and that you like this next part._

**Jay**

There are tons of rumors going around school right now about Emma. I don't know what to believe and when I tried to talk to Sean about it he just told me to fuck off and walked away. From what I've gathered she passed out and is now in the hospital. The most popular one going around is that she's anorexic...that one I can believe. What am I supposed to do though?

Seriously.

Tell me what I'm supposed to do.

* * *

Bleach blond hair came in a shade in front of his face as the small girl lowered herself on to him. His finger tips grazed her creamy skin, wishing she was some else. For a moment he could almost pretend that she was. 

"Emma," he breathed and felt the sting of a hand across his face.

"Fuck you, Jay. I'm no one's stand in asshole," the girl angrily spat out, gathering her clothes from around the dirty van.

"Baby, come on. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," Jay begged, hoping she would change her mind, hoping she would forgive. He needed his sweet release. He needed a distraction from all the worries going through his mind. He needed someone to fill the void that Emma had left.

"Don't fucking call me anymore. I'm so sick and tired of you calling me HER name. My name is Bella, Jay. BELLA!" The blond screeched, exiting the van with a loud slam of the door.

"Fuck," Jay muttered, running a hand through his dirty brown hair. Nothing was going the way it should lately. Nothing had gone right since he'd booted Emma out of his life.

* * *

"Come on now, sugar, I know you don't want us to have to tube feed you," the chubby, red-headed nurse tried to cajole Emma into eating her dinner. Emma simply stared past her, uncaring of what they did to her. 

"Baby, please eat. Please Em," Spike begged her daughter, tears filling her chocolate eyes. For three days she'd watched her daughter, helplessly, push away the food they'd brought to her. She'd watched as her daughter sat in her hospital bed, not speaking to anyone. They'd begged her to tell them what was wrong, they'd begged her to say even one word, but she'd refused. What could she do? How did you help your daughter, when she wouldn't even speak to you?

"Mrs. Nelson I think we're going to have to start tube feeding your daughter. She's not responding to anything we've tried. I'm going to go talk to the doctor and have him speak to you about your options," the nurse said to Emma's mother.

"Thank you, Deb. I really appreciate everything you've been trying to do," Spike choked out.

"It's my job, Christine and I take it seriously," the red-head said, exiting the room. Spike scooted her chair as close to Emma's bedside as she could get. Reaching out she gently took her daughter's cold hands in her own, letting her tears fall freely.

* * *

"Hello?" Manny asked, holding the phone close to her ear, her hands shaking. Every time the phone rang, dread filled her. Terror seized her at the thought that this time it could be a "bad" phone call about her best friend.

"Please don't hang up, Manny, please," a sad, gruff voice entered her ear.

"What do you want Jay?" Her voice sounded cold and sour even to her own ears. She hated him for what he'd done to her friend, but deep in her heart she hoped that he could save her. She was terrified that he was the only one that could.

"I, um, I've been hearing a lot of things about Nelson. Manny, what happened to her?" He whispered, fearful that the small brunette would hang up on him. There was a long pause on the other end and sharp intake of breath from Manny.

"You happened to her," Manny's tearfilled response entered the phone. She blamed him for what was happening to her friend, blamed him for hurting her so badly.

"Please, Manny. I really do care about her," Jay begged, forgetting all pretense of the uncaring attitude he'd worked so hard to adopt.

"She's anorexic Jay. She won't eat and she won't talk to anyone since they brought her to the hospital. I'm scared. I'm really scared," Manny said softly.

"What do I do? What can I do? I'm sure she hates me by now. Tell me what I'm supposed to do, Santos," Jay's broken plea stabbed at her romantic heart.

"Be here in twenty minutes. We'll go see her together. If anyone can reach her, it's you," Manny said, hanging up the phone before Jay could respond.

* * *

"Have a seat Christine," Dr. Howard said as he closed the door to his office behind him. With shaking knees Christine Nelson sat as instructed, keeping her eyes trained on the old, graying doctor before her.

"I feel that Emma needs to be put into the eating disorder program at Clearwater Rehabilitation Center. They can give her better care and counseling than we can. I know it's two hours away, but, Christine, I'm afraid that we can't do anything besides tube feed her for awhile and then transport her," Dr. Howard explained.

"Okay. Okay I understand. I'll do anything to make her better," Chirstine said.

"There's one more thing. Christine, Emma's pregnant."


	18. Daddy?

_**Disclaimer: **_

_Ring, ring, ri-_

_Degrassi secretary lady: Hello?_

_Me: Yes may I please have the rights to Degrassi?_

_DSL: Um, no I don't think so._

_Me: What about Sean? At least to him?_

_DSL: Are you crazy, he's a fictional character!_

_Me: NO NO NO NO! HE'S REAL! YOU'RE THE CRAZY ONE!_

_DSL: I'm hanging up. Don't you dare call here again!_

_Me: AGH!_

_Well, I tried, but they just won't budge. The only thing I own is the story line._

_**Author's Note:** I know my last few chapters have been pretty short, so I promise this one makes up for it :) Thanks for all the great reviews you guys, it's what keeps me motivated to post on here._

* * *

"Pregnant?" Christine Nelson whispered, staring at the doctor in shock. Not her baby girl, no please, not her. 

"I'm truly sorry, Christine, to have to be the one to tell you this. I know it's a shock for you," Dr. Howard said quietly. He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes, absently. How many times had he had to have this conversation with parents? How many times had he been the one to deliver the bad news? It was the only part of his job that he hated.

"Um, yes. Yes it is. I- How far along is she?" Christine asked, her face sheet white.

"A little over three months. The problem is that she isn't eating. It's a miracle she hasn't miscarried, Christine. I'm going to be honest with you; if your daughter doesn't start eating that baby doesn't have a chance at all," the older man said.

"I'll, um, I'll talk to her. I'll talk to her," Christine managed to say, quickly getting up from her seat and hurrying out the door.

How could this happen? Her daughter? How could Emma have let this happen? Christine had thought that Emma would learn from her mistakes, that she could prevent her baby from knowing this kind of pain. What kind of pain would she go through if she miscarried and knew it was her fault?

She stood outside of Emma's room for a moment, simply staring at the wooden door. She'd never been afraid to talk to her daughter, but she was now. The small brunette took a deep breath and walked inside. She saw Emma sitting up in bed, her blond hair piled on top of her head in a messy pony tail, staring out the window.

"Emma, sweetie, I have to talk to you," Christine said, sitting down next to Emma on the hospital bed. The only recognition Emma showed at her mother speaking to her was a slight turn of her head, but she still wasn't looking at her.

"I just talked to the doctor, baby. He told me...he told me...oh God," she whispered, a tear sliding down her face. She had to get it out. She had to let her daughter know.

"You're pregnant, sweetie. He told me you're pregnant," Christine managed to say, clasping hands with the frail blond.

That was when Emma finally turned to look at her mother, a hint of shame in her chocolate eyes. A stray piece of blond hair fell into her face, but it went unnoticed as Emma whispered two words to her mother. Two words that broke her mother's heart.

"I know."

* * *

Manny sat out on the front steps of the Nelson house waiting for Jay's orange civic to pull up. He was supposed to have been there fifteen minutes ago and she was beginning to think that he wasn't going to show up at all. Across the street she watched two little girls, one blond and one brunette, playing with their dolls out on the lawn. They reminded her so much of her and Emma when they were younger that she had to choke back the tears that threatened to spill over. What would she give to go back to that time? To go back to when her and Emma had been so carefree and young? Back to when her parents were proud of her; before her father had called her slut and kicked her out of the house. Before Craig. Before Sean. Before Jay. She missed the old Emma and the old Manny. They could never be those girls again and Manny hated it. She hated herself for turning into what she was, and for what? Craig Manning? A boy who had never truly cared for her, had only thought of her as some sort of trophy. 

And Emma.

Emma had changed for a boy, too. She'd changed for a boy who stole things and did drugs. Changed for a boy who had tormented her for years. Changed for a boy who didn't deserve to even be in the same room with her. Wasn't love funny that way? It was too bad you couldn't choose who you loved. If you could...if you could Emma would be with Sean and Manny...Manny would be with JT. But that's not how love worked, not how life worked. Manny was taken from her thoughts at the sound of the cell phone ringing, she quickly pulled it out of her jeans pocket and flipped it open.

"Hello?"

"Manny?"

"Jay? Where are you?" She demanded, a hint of temper in her voice.

"I'm sorry, I really am. I'll be there in two minutes. Something came up with my dad and I couldn't get out right away," Jay explained and the desperation in his voice convinced her that it was true.

"Okay, I'm sitting outside. See you soon," Manny stated, flipping her phone shut before he had a chance to answer. She was dreading the ride to the hospital, worried that she would reach across the seat and start strangling the dark haired bad boy, or that there would be that terrible awkward silence the whole way there. She was staring down at a crack in the concrete when a horn went off in front of her. Startled, she almost fell backwards, then realized it was Jay so ran quickly to his car.

Manny slid in beside him and he tore out of the driveway, all sixteen independent speakers blaring with rock music.

* * *

"If you don't eat, Emma, you're going to lose the baby," Spike said gently, hoping her daughter would confide in her about who the father was and why she would do this to herself. 

"I know," came the two word reply once again. Emma, once again, looked away from her mother and out the window. And for the first time, Spike noticed that her window had a clear view of the parking lot and then Emma's eyes were constantly scanning as if searching for something...or _someone_.

"Was it...was it Sean, sweetie? Is it Sean's baby?" Spike asked, forcing her voice to sound controlled. When Emma simply shook her head "no", Spike sighed. It wasn't, however, a sigh of relief. If it had to be anyone's baby, she wanted it to be Sean's. She knew Sean. Snake knew Sean. They both liked Sean and they both knew how much he cared about Emma and that he would take care of her. But if it wasn't his, then who's was it?

"Whose...whose is it, Emma?" Spike forced herself to ask. She needed to know.

Emma closed her eyes for a moment, contemplating telling the truth, then opened them. Her deep brown eyes filled with an overwhelming despair she turned and stared straight into her mother's eyes.

"I don't know," she whispered, praying her mom would believe her.

"You're lying Emma Nelson! I'm your mother, you think you can lie to me? Now tell me, this instant, whose child you're carrying, young lady!" Spike yelled, finally losing the careful control she had on her temper. Emma didn't say anything, simply stared over her mother's left shoulder with wide eyes. Christine turned around to see what she was looking at to see Manny with a boy who looked vaguely familiar.

"Child?" Jay whispered, total and utter fear in his usually cool blue eyes.

That's when Emma pulled the covers over her head and let sobs rack her small body.

* * *

_Emma_

_They all know now. Well, except for Sean, but I'm sure he'll find out soon enough. Jay heard my mom yell at me and the look in his eyes scared me down to the bone. I never wanted him to find out, I never wanted him to know. He doesn't want me. Fine. He doesn't love me. Fine. But this child...my baby...his baby...our baby...I don't want it to be hurt, ever. I know I shouldn't be starving myself, I know I'll lose my baby if I keep doing it, but...I can't stop._

_And..._

_God, I'm a terrible person._

_Part of me...part of me wants to lose this baby. Part of me prays that this baby will just miscarry because then it won't come into this world with such a fuck up for a mother and an absentee father. At least my mother is a wonderful person and raised me well. I don't think I could do it. I really don't think I could do this by myself and then tell my child that it's father wanted nothing to do with it. How could I do that to an innocent child? To my child?_

_It's almost worse than abortion. _

_Who am I? I don't know who I am anymore. _

_Jay finally comes to see me in the hospital and this is what he gets to find out. _

_I don't even blame him for turning around and running away._

**Jay**

**I'm going to be a dad. The girl I'm in love with, but broke her heart, is pregnant with my child. **

**I know it's mine. I could tell from the look in her eyes when she saw me that it's mine. Why didn't she tell me? Why didn't she come to me? I would have helped her. I'd do anything for her.**

**Oh, that's right, you fucking idiot. She doesn't know that. She thinks you hate her. **

**I may have fucked up big this time. Worse than I ever have and I have no one to blame, but myself. **

**Maybe...maybe it's not too late though. Maybe I can show her that...that I can be better than what I am. Maybe I can be the person she needs me to be. **

**One thing's for sure, I won't be like my dad. I'll be there for my kid, whether Emma and I are together or not.**


	19. Full Circle

**_Disclaimer:_**_ I do not own Degrassi: TNG or any of the characters involved in it. _

* * *

A soft knock floated across the too white hospital room, waking Emma from her fitful sleep. She sighed, not wanting to deal with anyone today. Yesterday had been too much for her to handle. The frail girl didn't want anymore questions, sympathetic eyes or disappointed sighs. It took too much of her strength to talk about her situation. Manny and her mother had pleaded with her to eat, if not for herself, at least for the baby, but still she'd refused. It had been made perfectly clear to her when Jay ran out on her that he didn't want anything to do with the child she carried. Why kind of mother would she be? The tears wouldn't seem to stop falling, but she tried to choke them back anyways. The knocking continued, defeated, Emma called out softly, "Come in." 

Her eyes widened in surprise when Jay stepped through the door, a paper bag clutched tightly in his left hand. "I brought you lunch," Jay said gruffly, holding up the bag and walking over to Emma's bedside. When she still simply stared at him, Jay pulled the food try up to her and began taking food from the bag.

"If all I had to eat was hospital food, I'd refuse to eat too. I got you a veggie burger, no onions, just the way you like it. There are some crinkle fries, too, but if that's too much for you I'll just eat them," Jay said, forcing cheerfulness into his voice. It made his heart sick to see her this way, and i.v. in her bony arm, dark shadows beneath her sunken eyes, and so thin he was afraid that if he touched her she would break. He slowly unwrapped her burger and placed it on the paper plate that had been hidden in the white bag.

"Alex wanted me to tell you she says hi and that-"

"Why are you here?" Emma whispered, cutting Jay off mid-sentence. Against her will a tear spilled over and trailed down her pale cheek. Jay sighed and let himself drop into the chair next to her.

"I know I've been a complete jack ass to you, Em. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he paused, cradling his face in his calloused hands, unable to look her in the eyes. "If you let me, I want to be here for you and the baby," the last part was said in a fearful whisper. He knew he didn't deserve to be in her life, didn't deserve to be a part of his child's life. Yet, he wanted it so bad it hurt deep down in his stomach. He wanted so badly to prove that he could be a better father than his own.

"I'm sorry you had to find out the way you did," Emma said softly, tugging on the edge of her thin blanket.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, for the first time a hint of anger in his piercing blue eyes.

"I thought you would hate me even more than you already do," the blond spoke through her tears. Jay reached over, hesitating for a moment, then gently wiping away her tears. Emma reached up slapped his hand away.

"Don't touch me," she whispered, turning her face away. Jay dropped his hand to his side and looked at her helplessly.

"I don't hate you," his voice came out tortured. He saw now why Sean had been giving him angry glares the past couple of weeks and why Manny had been so hesitant to let him see Emma. He'd broken her so completely. Something Manny had said gave him a sliver of hope, though. She believed if anyone could help Emma, he could. Maybe he could.

"At least eat what I brought you," Jay pleaded when Emma still said nothing. She just shook her head, staring out the window.

"What about our baby, Emma?" Jay whispered, true fear in his voice. Didn't she understand that she might be slowly killing their child? Didn't she know?

"Nothing matters anymore," the emaciated girl said softly, sorrow in her wispy voice.

"What about me, green peace? What will I do with out you around anymore?" Jay asked, reaching out and gripping her cold, bony hand, not letting her pull away even when she tried.

"You seem to be doing just fine with out me now," Emma's angry voice lingered in the empty space between them. He'd hurt her more than he'd realized and she would make him pay for it. She didn't know how much he cared for her, he'd made sure she wouldn't know.

"Please eat, Emma. Please," Jay asked, tears filling his tortured eyes. Emma turned and stared at him, watching as the tears began to flood over. She just watched him for a few minutes as his eyes pleaded with her and his silent tears tugged at her bruised and broken heart. Finally she gently tugged her hand out of his and picked up the veggie burger in front of her. She stared down at it as if it was her worst enemy, as if it would reach up and bite her in the nose and then she raised it to her lips and took a tiny bite. She chewed slowly and then took another bite.

As she kept eating, slowly, so slowly, Jay's tears began to fade a small smile of hope crossed his lips. After about twenty minutes almost half of the burger was gone and Emma placed it back down on the plate. She looked at Jay, apologetically and shrugged.

"I'm sorry, I can't eat anymore. My stomach hurts," she said.

"It's okay, it's okay, baby. You did really good. I'm so proud of you," Jay smiled at her, for the first time in months his smile reached his eyes, lighting up his whole face.

"What changed your mind, Jay?" Emma asked quietly, her eyes staring down at the hand that he held so gently in his.

"I'm not the right guy for you, but I want to be that guy. I want to be someone you can depend on and I want to be a dad to our child, not a father. I don't want my child to grow up not knowing who I am, wondering if his dad ever loved him," Jay said softly.

"So, it's only because of the baby," Emma stated sadly, beginning to pull her hand away from his. She would get healthy and let Jay be the father he so desperately wanted to be, but knowing he didn't truly want her would scar her forever.

"No," Jay said loudly, not releasing her hand.

"No...even before I knew about the baby, Emma. Why do you think I was coming here yesterday? Do you think Manny would have let me within fifty feet of you if she thought I was just going to cause you more pain? I came to tell you I care about you and that I want to be here for you. I came to tell you what an idiot I'd been because I thought you'd be better off without me. Maybe you would be better off without me, but I'm not better off without you. I want to be the person you think I can be," Jay spoke ardently. Wanting to make her see that he meant every word.

"I've always loved you, Jay. You. Not someone I was making you out to be in my mind. You're so much more than you give yourself credit for," Emma told him, compassion filling her soft brown eyes.

"I love you, green peace. It's always been you," he told her as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers.

_**The End.**_

* * *

_**So we've reached the end of Not What You Expected. I am planning on doing a sequel though. I just felt that this part of the story had ended and that it would be better to do it as a two part story. The sequel will focus more on other characters as well, but will mainly be about how Jay and Emma work through all their issues and the trials of having a child at such a young age. I hope you all enjoyed my story and will read the sequel. I probably won't have it up for about a month, I'd like to get most of it written before I post it so that you guys don't have to wait so long between updates and I don't get stuck and not write for a long time. Thank you for all the patience and understanding when I haven't written for long periods of time. I truly appreciate all the reviews I've recieved and I can't wait to start writing the companion piece to Not What You Expected.**_

_**-Rachael**_


End file.
